blech

I don’t even know where to begin. Perhaps then i just shouldn’t say anything.. but there are too many thoughts rolling around this morning for me to keep it all in at the moment.

Mother’s day was fantastic, if you dig the “you’re chubby” comments nestled closely with the “why can’t you take responsibility for your own life, you’re an adult” ones… words spoken from someone who has loved me unconditionally for the entirety of my 26 years.. Apparently, now that i’m an “adult”, i should be able to handle my favorite aunt hacking me off at the knees, and return her comments with a smile.

So what do you do when all you want is to feel better?.. you call one of your best friends, looking for a pick-me-up..  a simple “oh honey, i think you’re beautiful just the way you are…. and you’re doing your best to get your life back on track, it just takes a little bit.. don’t worry, everything will be ok” would have sufficed.. and i have to give credit where it’s due, i did get a calming “don’t worry about it”.. but thru the course of events for the rest of the day, the message received was a confirmation of what was said earlier.. I know that we all have trouble finding the right words sometimes.. and we all make mistakes. (lord knows i’ve had my fair share).. but i guess i was searching for a reaffirmation of my own attractiveness.. a self esteem boost, if you will….  no such luck.

I must admit though, talking with one of my nearest and dearest was helpful.. odd, that the one who knows me best, always knows just what to say to counter balance the damage done by everyone else.. Danka Mar..

I find myself today sifting through thoughts, both good and bad, and still coming up with no resolution. Fighting off thoughts of total and utter inadequacy.. knowing that that’s not the message trying to be sent, but battling with my gut that receives the message loud and clear.

Why can’t i just be happy?

Such is life… i guess

So, I had my appeal hearing yesterday. I never realized what bitches people can be…. sob in their office, and it’s ok, they’re you’re best friend.. but the moment you try to claim unemployment due to the stress of the job, and all hell broke loose. Mulling it over and over in my head isn’t going to make the referee rule in my favor.. I did my best.. for someone who had no clue as to what she was doing.. I tried to explain the issues i had.. the panic attacks.. the anxiety.. but i guess that has no bearing on the concience of an HR manager.  I highly doubt that she’s loosing sleep over this. When I stay up tossing and turning, begging sleep to come. 

I must remember, that if i ever have to do this again, to seek representation. This snotnosed bitch was with the HR manager that i knew… she asked me the last time i saw my doctor.. apparently, my answer of December wasn’t what i should have said.. cause she was all up my ass about it.. Who the fuck cares if i see my doc on a weekly basis, or when i’m sick?!  I lost my benifits when i lost my job.. can’t afford to go to him in the first place.. and secondly, i no longer need my happy pills, nor my anti-anxiety  drugs.. Hmmm.. shocker isn’t it?.. i leave the job, and i no longer have all of this stress eating me alive..  Rumble rumble grumble.. should have the ruling back in about a week.. in the mean time.. i’ve got 2 checks coming my direction.. :)   take that Madam Snot

on a totally different note, the job search is going.. uhh.. well?.. currently waiting for my background check to come back for the hotel.. waiting on my piss test and my background check for the rental place.. but i’m not sure what i want to do.. personally, I’m praying for the extension of my unemployment, so that i can sort of hold out for a better position.. I’m better than a nightly security guard.. and i don’t think that i should have my job rest of the decision of Joe Shmoe, and if he wants a GPS unit in his rental car..  Atleast with Ritz, I never had a specific goal.. just whatever i wanted to sell.. this apparently, is a little different…

Still feeling entirely inadequate.. not sure how to fix that one.. wish i could revive the philly flavor of myself.. the one who didn’t give two shits about anything, and who didn’t always worry that her parents wouldn’t approve… Why is it, that if i’m in close proximity to them, their opinions become so massively important to me?  ..maybe it’s time to get the fuck out of central PA again… I wonder how my buddies are doing in atlanta….